1.“Love is like a game of chess. One wrong move and you’re married.” – Anonymous
2. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield
3. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly
4. “The secret to a happy marriage is two TVs.” – George Burns
5. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
6. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard
7. “The four most important words in any marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.'” – Anonymous
8. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
9. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
10. “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante
11. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
12. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
13. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” – Anonymous
14. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” – Sigmund Freud
15. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
16. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” – Raymond Hull
17. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero
18. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” – Albert Einstein
19. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne
20. “Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.” – Michel de Montaigne
21. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” – Charles Schultz
22. “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen
23. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Joyce Brothers
24. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
25. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
26. “Love is like a game of chess. One wrong move and you’re married.” – Anonymous
27. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield
28. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly
29. “The secret to a happy marriage is two TVs.” – George Burns
30. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
31. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard
32. “The four most important words in any marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” – Anonymous
33. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
34. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
35. “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante
36. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
37. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
38. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” – Anonymous
39. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” – Sigmund Freud
40. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
41. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” – Raymond Hull
42. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero
43. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” – Albert Einstein
44. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne
45. “Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.” – Michel de Montaigne
46. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” – Charles Schultz
47. “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen
48. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Joyce Brothers
49. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
50. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
51. “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss
51. “Never go to bed, mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
53. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry
54. “My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop, or our marriage would have been wrecked.” – Winston Churchill
55. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to.” – Anonymous
56. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Oscar Wilde
57. “I’m not difficult; I’m just ‘selectively compatible.’” – Dolly Parton
58. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” – Henny Youngman
59. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” – Milton Berle
60. “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” – André Maurois
61. “Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” – Mae West
62. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” – Benjamin Franklin
63. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
64. “Marriage is like a roller coaster. You’ll have your ups and downs, but the ride is worth it.” – Anonymous
65. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” – Henny Youngman
66. “The secret to a happy marriage? Separate bathrooms.” – Michael Caine
67. “The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” – Woody Allen
68. “Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
69. “I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” – Cameron Esposito
70. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
71. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, and you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey
72. “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
73. “Love is like a tornado, picking up everything in its path and taking it all away.” – Anonymous
74. “Never marry a man who hates his mother because he’ll end up hating you.” – Jill Bennett
75. “The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they’re right if you love to be with them all the time.” – Julia Child
76. “Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.” – Hoosier Farmer
77. “A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
78. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree, and a woman gets her master’s degree.” – Anonymous
79. “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” – Hussein Nishah
80. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
81. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West
82. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
83. “Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.” – Anonymous
84. “Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.” – Mickey Rooney
85. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke
86. “Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.” – Anonymous
87. “A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” – Anonymous
88. “Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.” – Lisa Hoffman
89. “Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.” – Anonymous
90. “Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debating.” – Ray Bandy
91. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
92. “Love is like a headache or a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
93. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” – G.K. Chesterton
94. “In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” – Henny Youngman
95. “Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” – Minnie Pearl
96. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.” – Judith Viorst
97. “A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” – Grace Hansen
98. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash
99. “Marriage is like a game of poker. You start out with a pair and end up with a full house.” – Anonymous
100. “Love is like a beautiful flower, which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same.” – Helen Keller
101. “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.” – Anonymous
102. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Anonymous